Meeting the Old Friend, By Angela Z. Wu, MFT
Background
Lisa is a 32-year-old single Chinese woman, living in Shanghai, and seen for six months on Zoom. Two years ago, she learned that both of her parents were having affairs. Then, her period ceased and headaches began.
Her parents treated her like a boy. She felt anger on behalf of a little girl inside who wanted to be loved, and treated like a girl. In therapy we did a lot of active imagination. She can take care of that little girl, love and mother her. She found a trustworthy man, her acupuncturist.
Lisa is a good Guzheng player (classical Chinese string instrument) and wants to study violin. During the therapy, she cut off contact with her parents. She ended an uncomfortable dating relationship, quit her data analyst job, and made plans to study violin in Europe.
Lisa reported that though not menstruating, she felt more “woman juice” flowing out, and felt her body get warm. But the headache remained..
Sessions
Using The Pain Map, (Drs. Eric and Lori Greenleaf c1997), she drew all her pains (physical, emotional and spiritual) on one Pain Map and all her resources on another. Then, in her imagination, she applied a resource to a pain.
L=Lisa, AW=Angela Wu, MFT
L: My headache became closer, heavier. I see an angry face: a child, but it is my father. Father’s angry face is replacing the headache. (Pause) Now the angry face is getting closer and clearer. I don’t feel much headache.
AW: What does the child want? To be angry, or not? (Pause)
L: He doesn’t know what to do, he only knows anger.
AW: Suppose the child gets comfort from someone?
L: I feel my acupuncturist is touching the child’s head to calm him. The child is getting quiet and calm. (After a long pause, Lisa starts to cry.)
AW: I see the tears, they are real, and my heart gets tender when I see tears. (Pause) Often tears are sacred; they remind us to grieve, or to know joy. It is a strong, real emotion. It shows us real life with all kinds of feelings. When I see your tears, I feel you are so real.
L: I’m crying as I see the angry boy calm down. He said, “I am sorry” to me.
AW: Very nice, hearing “I am sorry.”
L: I see a little girl come out. That was me at 12.
AW: Welcome. How is she?
L: Finally she can come out. She was so scared by that angry boy.
AW: What does she want? (A very long pause.)
L: She wants to have her period.
AW: That is right. She wants to have her period. Suppose you help her to prepare for her period: read her books, get her sanitary pads, cute underwear, nail polish, or a promise of her favorite ice cream when the period is over. (Lisa smiles and nods.)
L: The little girl wants to perform music. Her parents always told her that she was not good enough. Now she wants to perform. But she is shy, not sure if she can.
AW: Suppose the girl gets dressed in a beautiful Chinese Qipao. Set up her Guzheng in her room, prepare two seats for her parents. Then she can play and record the saddest melody, and mail it to her parents, as if you are mailing your bad headache to your parents.
L: That is a good idea, I will do that. I am more comfortable playing in my own apartment. And I will mail them my sadness and my bad headache.
AW: One more thing. I do not know about you, but for me, two or three days before my period I often have bad headaches. When I feel that headache, I know I will prepare myself.
Two weeks later:
Lisa felt overwhelmed when she played, and she stopped. She didn’t record or send the music.
Before our session, she sent me a link to a classical Chinese violin piece, “So Long.” She said, “When I hear it, I feel gentleness, unconditional love, separation and sadness. I may want to hear it during the session. Let’s be prepared.”
AW: Very good.
L: I dont feel the headache. I started to feel a mother’s unconditional love but it is not my mom.
AW: If now you use your body as the map, where do you feel the love?
L: In my feet, and my hands.
AW: What is the sensation when your feet and hands feel love?
L: It is freedom to move around.
AW: Good. Focus on that freedom, your feet and hands. Does that feeling stay still or move around?
L: It is moving up, coming to my hands. I feel very gentle and warm, like a baby’s skin. Now it’s moving to my belly button. (Pause)
AW: What is happening there?
L: The little belly button wants to say something.
AW: Before a baby’s born, she is connected with mother through the cord. The baby gets food, feels mother’s heartbeat. In this way baby communicates with mom, so of course the belly button wants to say something. (Pause)
L: The belly button feels mom’s love, She was held in big hands. Warm, gentle. The little belly button feels mom’s gentle touch, gentle kisses. (Lisa nods, and tears come. Long pause. )
Then the little belly button grew up. Mom starts to say she is not good enough, and is very harsh to her. She didn’t want to talk – she is so scared all the time. Scared, sad, and hurt. She is afraid of talking, felt something stuck in her throat.
AW: Let’s start with a long, deep breath, breathing out first. Really clear out all the fear, all the worries and sadness inside of her. Then breathe in all the fresh air and oxygen that she needs, That’s right, just breathe, breath by breath. She is growing up, she is still good. The little belly is still good.
Now she is an adult, and she can open a new file for her life, She is going to put the people she likes and loves, the loving memories, in her new file. She knows she has unconditional love with her, right on her feet, right on her hands. She just needs to feel it. (Pause)
L: The little belly walked to a door, It is oval, a glass door. She is nervous, scared.
AW: Where does the door take her to? (Pause)
L: The other side of the door is the womb.
AW: Does little belly want to go there?
L: She is nervous and scared. Even with unconditional love. It is dark over there.
AW: Can little belly put a flashlight in her pocket?
L: Yes, a flashlight will be useful.
AW: If you like, you can take me with you. You can hold my hand.
L: Yes, let’s do that. I am shining the flashlight and holding your hand. I’m walking in. (Tears. Long pause.) I saw an old friend.
AW: What does the old friend look and feel like?
L: it is round, soft, sticky. It is red.
AW: Very good. Say, “hi” to this old friend. Tell her, “I missed you, and I’m so happy to see you. I know you’re here, so today I came. We are old friends. I know I’ll always see you.”
L: I started to feel warm. I started to feel the blood running through my body. Now it’s time to play the music.
AW: (I pushed the button – music played.) Yes, you are saying goodbye to the fear, to the worries. Now feel the blood, and the freedom. Feel and enjoy the love. (Pause)
10 days later, she sent me a message that she was having her period.
The session after her period.
Before the session, Lisa sent me another violin solo, “Raise Me Up,” to play as background music for the session. She still feels the headache from time to time, but she isn’t bothered. She remembered that she often had headache around her period. She began to remember her grandfather, who loved her very much.
L: I feel that I need to walk home and become a mature woman. I feel lonely, I am scared to be with the old friend, to be a normal woman.
AW: Now you’re telling me, so you’re not lonely any more. You’re walking towards your home, not a little girl going to her parents’ home.
L: I feel the love was buried by hate for so long, now I have to go through the pain to find it. (Tears.) I haven‘t been crying like this.
AW: This is good. When the love is opening up and meeting the pain, two strong energies meet, and it can be overwhelming.
L: I see so many things: I see grandfather, I see me on the stage, as a grown, beautiful woman, playing violin. I see a man that I want to love – only his back, not his face yet.
AW: These are beautiful things. They are somewhere, awaiting. And now I know you can go there. You have met your old friend, and you will meet many new friends.
L: (Still crying.) I know. I am walking home. My home.
We decided to do a monthly checkup and eventually terminate the therapy. Now, she is researching studying music in Europe and has started to go out with guys.
Commentary
Eric Greenleaf PhD
Relationship shapes therapy, and its languages represent human experience. The patient often speaks in symptom language – “headache, amenorrhea, anxiety”. Erickson-influenced therapists speak in image, metaphor and the common language – “the little girl, an oval door, the old friend”. Angela Wu’s gentle, healing touch, and patient inquiry, form a relationship that draws healing from the patient’s own inner life resources, as, hand-in-hand, they shine a light together into the frightening darkness. Beautiful music.